Sometimes You Get an Angel

Dude,
It's a walk that is starting and stopping. I had just wanted to take out the Trash

                                                                                                  photo by lady 74
                                                                                                               

You Know your a caregiver when it is a luxury to take out the trash
By Your self
To feel how the world wraps around you
And only you
and your shirt
as in not a coat hat and sweater
(Cuz you know what it's like to
be locked out, in the weather)

You slip 1/2 a yogurt lid where the deadbolt goes
so you won't feel that shock
Lord knows you know
And pull the door on the balcony and head
Down the stairs
With the tied up grocery sack
Just a moment to feel (a different flavor of) freedom
the sun on your hair

and You don't know how to act

And know it will take a lot more to really take
In your soul (for good)
Like something you carry in your hip pocket
that you've got down cold

Good Move
Cuz,
cuz when I come back inside
there is somehow another garbage sack to go down
The one with the vacuum dust near the top

So now it's time for my loved one and I to gear up
I get the water bottles in my bag with the meds
In this case two heads aren't better than one,
Get my wallet and keys
and I'm almost done
Make sure the doors are locked
and ...

Just that fast

(Cuz my loved one is really fast)

They have it.

and they don't let go


and i think why does it have to be so complicated
or even interesting
and I feel a shroud
I feel the tightening

It's back
and were just now going down the stairs
to the place where the free air just was

and remembering the freedom
and remembering sanity
I pull the vacuum dust garbage bag
from my loved ones hand and it

tears and it's contents blow onto the ground
through the same breeze that refreshed
I'm reaching down
to get
wadded tissues, damp teabags,
old newspapers, flyers
little dust bunnies and
soiled skivvy diapers

and I wonder if I have an audience

as I hold the torn bag together
and push the wheelchair with one hand
and my loved one's elbow in the other
and now I'm planning

to walk behind the dumpster together
do a quick double back by myself
deposit the torn bag in front
(with the contents that are left)

and it works

but as I rejoin my loved one they're bending down
to pull up the stub of a street post sign
and before  I have time
to process
action
they're finger's cut open
and my plan just
lost traction

That quick.

and the walk is just starting
as I reach in our bag
and pull out
the hand sanitizer bottle
again

and I
just wanted to
take out the trash.

Cuz.

                  Graphic by MediSKapt

Walk on Water

The ground is moving, the ground is shifting under my feet
like a concrete colored carousel, or when I close my eyes when I'm dizzy.
I am moving too, and at my age even worth noting briefly, but not this fast.
Two hour walks have turned into round the block jaunts,and with a wheelchair handy at that, And thank God for the wheelchair!
All those tokens of elder care have turned into warm, giving, yet razor sharp double edged gifts in my toolbox. They appeared, and am I grateful. They unfolded abundantly, gently breaching the wall of stereotype and loving protection of my loved one like a warm wave of peace. They enable me well.
It takes a few days for the benefits to sink in, to get adjusted to the things I can now do with my loved one. Like the seat belt which allows my loved one to roll through the store without standing up and grabbing merchandise. I can even pay the bills with my loved one along, instead of making early morning mad dashes across the neighborhood. I can get on the bus without drama. No loved one standing and holding on and threatening to call the cops. The bus driver was ready to do it, what with me feeding into it, angry; I was jeopardizing my role in front of the ever present audience. Yet this scene happened with the wheelchair, seatbelt and all, Monday. What did I do? Let my loved one out of the seatbelt. I missed my stop by two yet again, get off, cross the street and catch the next bus going the other way!

The new things I can do with the new tools! The wheelchair with the seat belt, the Depends-the Depends!
Laundry, sheets and fluffy heavy bedding washed sets at at time after sitting on the back porch...and the second morning shower after the stressful fight for the evening shower- all now soothingly swallowed by the absorbent wonders.
Each day brings both new liabilities and new tools which change my abilities like my view through a View Master disk when I cratched the lever down as it was pressed against my face...
Then the meds. The meds are not my enemy. Slow down, feel it again today. The meds are not my enemy.
Hey, pop culture symbols of elder care, who cares? They are enabling me to move forward smoothly and steadily. This is what love does. (Click the "love " link to hear the song "Walk on Water" performed by Britt Nicole)

Caregiving and/ or Codependency

OK, any other people out there who struggle with codependency and are a caregiver?? I've been giving some thought lately to what codependency is. Part of it may be how my life gets boxed in when I am focused on helping another person. I simply put MY normal life choices on pause for another person for a reward: affiliation, or being able to help someone "not as fortunate", fulfilling a sincere desire, pride - it can be anything. Codependency can be like an addiction and it can reoccur at different stages of life: during times of grieving, good and bad change, etc. A scary question can be: Are you care giving for healthy reasons or are you being codependent??. Come on, we all know that at the end of the day we'll fulfill our obligations! Whether yes, no, or maybe some of both, relax, it's OK!! A great resource to help answer that question is Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. If you are wondering if you are a codependent personality this book will get to the bottom of it for you. It includes helpful exercises, too. The bottom line is to live and have peace. (Check out this new song called Alive. It is performed by Michael Sweet).